- Want to fit in at The Big Smoke, i.e. the
shining metropolis, i.e. London?
Literally all you have to do is pretend to be in a rush to do something really
important. Look at your watch and sigh in frustration when waiting for the
tube/the bus/the loo. Walk with deadly purpose, preferably in shoes that make a
satisfying noise and vitally, you must never stop, stopping is for tourists.
- Adulthood is mostly about touching things that
you really don’t want to.
Get your mind out the gutter; I’m talking about slugs, spiders, mould, your life
savings. Basically all the things you would beg your parents to do instead of
risking your precious pale aristocratic hands.
- It’s a terrible idea
to drink two bottles of wine. This doesn’t need explanation, just don’t do
it, learn from my implied tale of woe.
The government doesn’t
want you to have anything nice. With almost £50,000 of student debt I kind
of knew this already, but in trying to live a normal life I have once more
attracted the wrath of ‘the man’. I earn minimum wage, but this is apparently
still enough $ for the government to think I might be able to buy myself
something nice, and so to put a stop to such nonsense they demand a nice slice to
put towards stuff like Buckingham Palace’s restoration.
Lies always get found out. Every friendship group is simultaneously a collection
of people who just like to hang out together and master spy ring.
Chiswick is not the
kind of neighbourhood where it’s the norm to wash the filth from your oven at
10pm, in pyjamas, on the street. People walk small dogs around here, that’s
how you know it’s nice, and incidentally not the place to do this kind of
thing.
Canapes are
terrifying. It seems fancy chefs everywhere have entered into a secret agreement
that canapes must consist of at least twelve components; none seem to go
together and at least one is so fancy it might as well be made up. The most
terrifying thing? You eat canapes all in one. That’s right, no sample nibble,
it’s all or nothing. Now there are three possible outcomes: the canape’s great
so you enjoy it, it’s vile so you go for the gag and spit, or the middle line –
it’s nasty but you swallow it down all in one like some kind of canape python.
Everyone gets lonely
sometimes. It’s just a sad fact of life I think. There’s inevitably times
when everyone is busy so you’re physically alone, and even if you’re surrounded
by people you can still feel isolated. But the real ironic kicker with
loneliness is that you’re not alone – it happens to literally everyone, and
thankfully for most of us it’s just a brief stint.
Family Whatsapp groups are spaces where the
standard rules of grammar, reason and sense do not apply. This is the real twilight zone, leave it for
two hours and there’ll be 42 new messages that are absolute nonsense but
require you to urgently call home to discuss something you casually mentioned three
months ago.
Always say yes to everything. Yes, I know I’ve talked about this before but it’s
still true and still the most important thing. To my joy it’s still been
possible even when adulting 9:30-5:30, hurrah!
