Adulting: What I’ve learnt and what I got spectacularly wrong

Just over three months ago I moved out of my family home where I lived out the fantasy of childhood, the agony of being a teenager and the downright confusion/bewilderment of the last few years (click here to revisit my post on moving to London). Against various bookie predictions, I have made it – I am alive, well and have also managed to learn a few things (hurrah!). So without further ado here is what my time as an undercover child in the adult world has taught me:

#adulting?

1. Want to fit in at The Big Smoke, i.e. the shining metropolis, i.e. London? Literally all you have to do is pretend to be in a rush to do something really important. Look at your watch and sigh in frustration when waiting for the tube/the bus/the loo. Walk with deadly purpose, preferably in shoes that make a satisfying noise and vitally, you must never stop, stopping is for tourists.
2. Adulthood is mostly about touching things that you really don’t want to. Get your mind out the gutter; I’m talking about slugs, spiders, mould, your life savings. Basically all the things you would beg your parents to do instead of risking your precious pale aristocratic hands.
3. It’s a terrible idea to drink two bottles of wine. This doesn’t need explanation, just don’t do it, learn from my implied tale of woe.
4. The government doesn’t want you to have anything nice. With almost £50,000 of student debt I kind of knew this already, but in trying to live a normal life I have once more attracted the wrath of ‘the man’. I earn minimum wage, but this is apparently still enough $ for the government to think I might be able to buy myself something nice, and so to put a stop to such nonsense they demand a nice slice to put towards stuff like Buckingham Palace’s restoration.
5. Lies always get found out. Every friendship group is simultaneously a collection of people who just like to hang out together and master spy ring.
6. Chiswick is not the kind of neighbourhood where it’s the norm to wash the filth from your oven at 10pm, in pyjamas, on the street. People walk small dogs around here, that’s how you know it’s nice, and incidentally not the place to do this kind of thing.
7. Canapes are terrifying. It seems fancy chefs everywhere have entered into a secret agreement that canapes must consist of at least twelve components; none seem to go together and at least one is so fancy it might as well be made up. The most terrifying thing? You eat canapes all in one. That’s right, no sample nibble, it’s all or nothing. Now there are three possible outcomes: the canape’s great so you enjoy it, it’s vile so you go for the gag and spit, or the middle line – it’s nasty but you swallow it down all in one like some kind of canape python.
8. Everyone gets lonely sometimes. It’s just a sad fact of life I think. There’s inevitably times when everyone is busy so you’re physically alone, and even if you’re surrounded by people you can still feel isolated. But the real ironic kicker with loneliness is that you’re not alone – it happens to literally everyone, and thankfully for most of us it’s just a brief stint.
9. Family Whatsapp groups are spaces where the standard rules of grammar, reason and sense do not apply. This is the real twilight zone, leave it for two hours and there’ll be 42 new messages that are absolute nonsense but require you to urgently call home to discuss something you casually mentioned three months ago.
10. Always say yes to everything. Yes, I know I’ve talked about this before but it’s still true and still the most important thing. To my joy it’s still been possible even when adulting 9:30-5:30, hurrah!