Five Weird Post-Graduation Habits

1. Taking on overly ambitious Pinterest projects: ‘Impressive yet so simple’. WRONG. The first time I made the samples pictured below I put in a tablespoon of salt rather than a teaspoon. But this time I am older, more sophisticated and most importantly know the difference between tsp and tbsp. However the disaster is aesthetic rather than taste-based; the dough bore an attractive resemblance to sludge so was impossible to spiral. And so I present to you the biscuit metaphor for my life:

How you think you look vs. how you actually look

Our most disturbing face-swap

2. Resuming the Great Sibling War: This is a battle fought on two fronts.

i.) Firstly we’re engaged in a game which everyone with a sibling will be familiar with, but unfortunately has no name. I can only explain it in very rudimentary terms: when one is looking at the other, one of us will make a particular hand gesture and the most recent one to have seen said hand gesture wins. The other is in a state of shame and humiliation, which may only be broken by tricking the current winner into seeing them make the hand gesture. Because there is no visible end point we can only presume its like Game of Thrones – you win or you die.

ii.) The second tactic in the war is creative insults, which needs no explanation, only an example: ‘I’ll pull your ears off and shove them up your nose’.

3. The Fleetwood Mac Coefficient: So this is a routine thing, every job application must take no longer than the length of The Very Best of Fleetwood Mac (two hours and twenty-one minutes). Every application is appropriately begun with the song ‘Monday Morning’, which is good, yes, off to a good start. By the time we get to disc two things are getting weird with the odd pairing of ‘The Chain’ and ‘Don’t Stop’ – the twitchiness of ‘The Chain’ followed by the optimism of ‘Don’t Stop’ has me appropriately panicked/pumped (always treading the line) for the home run. If any potential employers find Fleetwood Mac lyrics embedded in my CV, I am terribly sorry, blame Stevie.

4. Saying ‘Hiiiiiiiiiii’ to my dog literally every time we make eye contact: In the mind of my dog I am at the bottom of the family hierarchy because I went to uni first and he hasn’t forgiven me. He likes to literally push me around and pointedly ignores me, so saying ‘Hiiiiiiiiiiii’ is a bit like the Great Sibling War (see 2). Except I always win. Because he can’t speak. Heh heh.

Hated since 2K14

5. Running: I recognise that this is not what one might describe as an odd habit, but unless I am being chased, I do not run. Cannot run. My body has what can only be accurately described as an allergic reaction to running. Not only does my own nature disapprove, nature ITSELF has shown its discontent – the first time I ventured out I was stung on the lip by a mysterious flying insect. Swelling. Horror. SWELLING.